I guess that is all I can say.
It’s been well over a year since I last posted, and literally there isn’t a day that goes by that I still don’t blog in my mind, thinking of what post I would write to describe the situations I’m in with two boys under 4 and a crazy, crazy life.
So much has changed. When I last posted I think I was talking about enjoying every minute and savoring the time with family. I still do that. But the family is WAY different. I’ve made a lot of changes. All for the better….at least for me.
In the last year, I have gotten promotions, moved, seen milestones in both of my children that are priceless, and most importantly, done something that most people will gasp and gawk at. I became a single mom. Not because my husband wasn’t great or someone I truly care for. I probably could have lived my whole life just living as we were.
But for me, that wasn’t enough. I wanted passion. I wanted love. I wanted someone that I wanted to tell everything to. Someone I wanted to run home to when I had a bad day to hold me and let me cry. Someone who got that what I truly needed was a shoulder, a rock. I didn’t have that. And that’s ok.
When I say I have a fairytale divorce, I mean it. We truly co-parent. He is with us several times a week, being a family. And it’s not the family we maybe had in mind. But for now it’s the family that works. And sometimes I feel horrible saying it…. but I’m happy.
I knew it was never right. I think we just did what others thought we should do. And now, looking back, I maybe wouldn’t change it. I have two children that mean more to me than anything in the world. I can’t picture my life any different. I have a job I love, babies that make me whole. I have an amazing support system.
I can’t lie. It’s hard. Being a “single” mom is overwhelming. Those moments where you think, “shit, I need a break” have no end. You can’t hand over your children and say “I need a minute” and then compose yourself. It’s a constant test of patience and determination. I will say I’ve done well so far. Being happy certainly makes me a better mom. A more patient, accepting mom. I’m more structured. I follow through more. I keep a clean house (unlike before). Happiness had made a difference.
Yes, I broke my family apart. Completely my fault, I’m not even going to pretend it wasn’t (I guess a story for later). But looking back I’m a better person overwhelmed and happy than I was with help and unhappy. I don’t doubt my decisions. I worried I would. I worried I would get a month down the line and wonder what I was thinking. Why did I ruin everything we had? But it’s been 8 months now and I am still as confident… no, more confident that this was the best decision for me and for everyone. It’s not fair to him, not fair to me, not fair to those babies to live unhappily. So I don’t. And I struggle every day.
But I struggle happy.