I ejected a human being effortlessly at warp speed from my nether regions. An offspring that we were estimating to be about 8 lbs, a breeze compared to the 9 lb delivery I had just two short years ago. After approximately 12 minutes of pushing, during which I sheepishly repeated “I don’t think I’m doing anything,” the room went silent.
“He’s a big boy!” exclaimed one nurse. “Wow, he does look big,” I said in disbelief. It wasn’t until the nurse laid him on the scale that you could have heard a pin drop. When 4.7 ::ish:: kilograms showed on the scale, we all made our best efforts to do the conversion. Having not slept in 36 hours, even my engineering mind couldn’t approximate what we were dealing with. The nurse then hit the “convert” button and my jaw hit the floor when it read:
That???? Up there??? Says 10 pounds 6 ounces. That, my friends is approximately three pounds heavier than what the average newborn weighs. That number right there, represents a poundage greater than 97% of babies out there. And I managed it in under 15 minutes. So easily, in fact, that during my “trial” push, my OB had to quickly yell for me to stop because no one was even dressed in gowns or gloves yet. At one point the comment “I think you could cough and this baby would fall out” was said.
None of this was too surprising to me considering my sister’s second child had to be caught over the toilet because she almost fell out; however, you’d think 10 1/2 lbs would require a little more effort.
We were famous in the hospital that week. “Oh you’re the mom with the 10 lb baby!” Number one question asked? “You had gestational diabetes, right?” To which I quickly responded “no.” Second most asked question? “It was a c-section, right?” To which I could proudly say, yet again, “No,” usually followed by, “we had no idea he was that big until he was here,” said with an embarassed chuckle.
In the 3 1/2 weeks since Lucas’ arrival I have continuously wondered, “WHAT is my threshold?” Yeah, I’m curious. And you know that crude comment regarding a “hot dog” being thrown down a “hallway”? Yeah, I’ve heard that one a few times in the last month.
And, without further explanation regarding my mutilated lady parts, I introduce Lucas David, who joined our crazy family on July 26th:
**Disclaimer: You’d be crazy to think I wasn’t COMPLETELY numb thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. You’d also be crazy to think that this miracle didn’t require an hour of stitching to repair the damage done.