When Dave and I got married just 2 1/2 short years ago, during the ceremony, our Justice of the Peace told the most incredible story about a rose. How a rose signified so many things and how it can be used in the greatest and worst of times to bring a couple together when it’s most needed. If you have something really important to talk to your spouse about, leave a single rose in a special place. Somewhere where your love will find it, and know, that a discussion needs to be started. It can be about a fight, about a worry, or just to say you love them.
I left Dave a rose yesterday. I left it right on his folded clothes to see immediately after he got out of the shower after work. I was so nervous of his expression when he walked in. I knew the first thing that would come to his head was dread. What could I possibly need to tell him.
As he walked out of the bathroom holding the rose he said, “what’s this?” “We need to talk,” I responded. “Oh no.”
“Seems your super sperm is super again.”
This time the rose symbolized celebration. We will (hopefully) be blessed with a little brother or sister for Owen in August.
I found out yesterday after taking a test in the morning that came out negative. I didn’t lose hope, I knew it was still too early. Six hours later I got a feeling to try again. I know that feeling is just that I’m crazy and couldn’t wait the two additional days that I promised myself I would, but I gave in anyway. And after an incredibly long 3 minutes, I turned to see this:
Excitement. He was excited. But terrified, as I am. As I saw that positive on that test, I cried. I cried and smiled, then cried in terror. TWO? How can we handle two? Will we have enough money? Will I finally lose all of the patience that I have been clinging to? And, God forbid, what if something goes wrong? I feel sad for those I know who have been trying forever, who I now have to tell in a month or so that I am one of the lucky ones that can get pregnant no problem. While they are going through tests and doctors’ visits and heartache. I fear that I can’t feel happy for me, while I’m sad for them.
So many things keep going through my head. I’m still terrified, but I think as time goes on, that fear will subside and the immediate joy I felt will come through and conquer all of those fears.
Every time I think of our wedding and the significance of the rose, I manage to tear up. And I can’t even say how many guests at our wedding still talk about that part of the ceremony. This was the first time I have used that rose, I’m glad the first time was for something as precious as this new life inside me.