I’m not one to really write these monthly letters to Owen, or updates on what’s new in his life, etc. But today, today I need to take the time to sit and think and write about this past YEAR of my life. The most insane, wonderful, trying, exhausting year of my life. Stress on the wonderful. (but with a good chunk of exhausting.)
My baby is one. ONE. How does this even happen? How does he go from this little 8 lb 15 oz blob that eats, poops, and sleeps to this ginormous little person who plays and crawls and talks to you as though his language is as understandable as English? How do those little milestones like sitting up, eating, crawling, standing, clapping, and dancing fly by in a snap, making you long for that first day all over again?
Let me stress, my baby is ONE. No longer my baby. The emotional rollercoaster I have been on this past week is indescribable. There’s been pride, excitement, and pure depression. I wasn’t ready, I’m still not ready. It’s like the whole world changed when the clock struck 12. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited, really, this is something I’ve been looking forward to, but I know that any day I’m going to look at him and really consider him all grown up, and then what? He’s my baby!
So, perhaps a quick letter to the most important man in my life, though I’m having so much trouble finding any words to describe this year, but if I don’t write something, I’ll regret it, and I want to look back and try to remember how I felt on this momentous day.
Today you turned one. ONE. Words can’t describe the shock I’m feeling today as I still feel like you are still just my little baby. Like I blinked my eyes and you are all of a sudden the funniest, handsomest little real person, when to me, just yesterday, you fit snugly in my arms and all you needed was a bottle and some swinging to make you at peace.
Now you’re so much more complex. You know what you want, and you’ll do anything to get it. You’re a stubborn little guy, not easily distracted from your goals. I hope that this trait carries through to your adult life except maybe with more acceptance when you falter. You seem to know exactly what is funny, and though laughing at yourself to let others know just how funny you are might not be appropriate in the future, I hope you can keep that sense of humor and don’t ever take yourself too seriously.
I’m amazed every day to see you think through new things and explore all of the opportunities and adventures that await you. You surprise me at how much you can absorb and recreate. You make me laugh harder than anyone ever has whether you mean to or not. You know what “no” means, and you’re bright enough to know whether I really mean it or not.
This year has been the best year of my life, Owen, and it’s all because of you. It has also been the hardest, and I have you to thank for that as well. But with the challenges of being a Mom, I have learned so much about myself and what I want that I can’t thank you enough. I’ve also discovered this whole new confidence in myself that I never had. I can be a patient, hardworking, do-it-all mom, and if I can handle the challenges that have come to me this year, I can handle anything. I’m working on being more dependent on others, but baby, I’m sorry, that is hard for me to do. I hope you do not inherit that trait. I hope you can rely on others to help you and don’t live by the “if you want it done right” rules.
Plain and simple, you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. No one has made me more proud, more happy, more in love. No one can test my patience so much but still come out with unconditional love and support. My favorite moments are with you; when you first wake up and say “heeeeeyyyy” in that high-pitched smiley voice, when you get sleepy and snuggle your head into my lap, when you do your inappropriate pelvic thrust dances that someday will get you in trouble :).
No doubt there will be many more challenges, and many more days that I question my sanity. But at the end of the day I forget every bad moment and reflect on the good ones. You are my life. I’ve enjoyed every minute, good or bad, of watching you grow into the little boy you are now, and I look forward to the million more milestones that I will witness for the rest of the time I have with you on this earth. Words will never describe the love I have for you, the feelings I get as a mom when I think of you, and what you have done for me and my life. I only hope I can be to you what you are to me. Just know I’m trying, and I’ll make mistakes, but I hope you always can see just how much I love you.