My stomach would like to personally thank you. Not only because after all 100 grams of your creamy goodness I want to throw up, but because of the handles of love you give me to show how much you care. You are nice enough to give me illustrated instructions on how to undress you completely, in case your paper wrapping is too difficult for me to figure out on my own. I am so glad to have you in my life to squash my motivation to become the thin, healthy sex-machine I once was, and for making sure I am unsuccessful in my hopes to post a positive McFatty message every Monday. If it weren’t for my sweet friend Christine setting us up on our blind date today, I would never have known how much I would enjoy spending time with you.
Our affair was wrong though, Milka, and it must end now. We had one whirlwind day of passion, one that I’ll remember for years to come. But I had a lapse in judgement and cannot consciously stay in a relationship that I know is unhealthy. So, we must part ways here. I’ll cherish the time we had and hope you find someone who is better suited for you. I must go back to my stable, positive relationship with salad, fruit, and water. It was fun while it lasted, and maybe some day in the future when we’re both in a better place we can try again, but for now, we have our memories.
Please do not contact me. I will find you if I need you. Don’t show up at my desk again like you did today.
It was fun while it lasted,
PS. Please tell your friend Santa that I cannot continue to see him either. Though, it might be tough for him to date at this point since I completely mutilated him. Tell him I am sorry for that, it is another of my regrets.